if you are what you eat then i'm doomed

i bought pot with the intention of studying all day today, and instead i watched tv. i spent the last 3 hours studying, and i did ok on my environmental chem final, but i could have done a LOT better with just a little studying. what the FUCK. and maybe i knew i was going to do it anyway, but that's bullshit, i really COULD have. ach. eating's vaklempt, though not ridiculous.

had problems logging in yesterday, so i'll try to remember the last few days...THURSDAY: oj for b'fast, then a turkey sandwich for elevenses, bologna later on, then steak salad for dinner, and 2 diet cokes with vanilla vodka; that was a BAD ride home. FRIDAY: oj for breakfast, fried shrimp, curly fries & coleslaw for lunch, a jello, an egg, then some indian casserole concoction with nuts, carrots, cheddar cheese, and some other stuff, and a barley-vegetable soup; some gummy snacks at bobbie jo's, and part of a sugar cookie (threw the rest of it out!) i didn't do TOO bad at anthony's party yesterday: a cheeseburger & hot dog w/ no buns, potato salad, cucumber salad, some baked beans, and a little bit of macaroni salad; white wine & jello shots, some more gummy snacks (no cake or ice cream!), and later on a raw hot dog, (breaded) popcorn chicken, & more potato salad. cake at grandma's today, but i'll try to take it easy. 235 when i checked yesterday morning. oh, yesterday ended & today began with a hefty poop. also, i was alseep by about 11:00 last night, up by 8:15 this morning. a few days during the week were bad, only 4 hours or so, but these last nights i've gotten 6 or more.

well, today's number is 236. i don't know if maybe i read the scale wrong last week, or if it all really was water weight from my period, because there's no way i lost it all in the last 2 days. i guess the lesson learned here is to not weigh myself during my period.

so i gained back the whole 7, and i think a couple more, too, did i mention that? trying not to dwell, focus on the future. got back on the wagon, though there was some banana bread on sunday. let's see, monday i had oj in the a.m., part of a salad from wesleyan, and 3 mozz sticks. chicken & spinach for dinner, plus about 4 pieces of cali roll, and some jello later on.

today, oj in the a.m., 2 salami sandwiches w/cheddar on whole grain, 2 string cheeses, 4 pieces of a california roll, and some salami later on. i'm going to have jello now. i'll weigh myself in the morning, and we'll see.

didn't get much sleep last night, about 4 hours, worthless studying for my calc test, but i'm doing ok - i actually woke up at 6:30 without the alarm. planning to get up around 7:30 - 8, work 9-11, school by 12, then 3 hours to work on e-chem homework.

"never been kissed" is the ultimate girl angst movie. she's the interesting, smart, funny, cool, fun girl that didn't fit in and wasn't accepted. at 25 she has had the opportunity to become who she truly is. she goes back to high school to be herself, the way she couldn't when she was there.

this other crap: i need to make this my summer priority, after i do my independent study. the movie needs to be second to it. i have to be focused and committed to doing this. i have to decide that i want it for real - just like getting into grad school - and do what it takes to get there, without thinking about it. keep the end in sight, and just push toward it, don't hold back, don't hesitate, just GO. there's so much bullshit everywhere, i have to cut it all out and just be about me.

i've been avoiding this, i know. things really went down the shitter, i gained everything back, plus an extra pound or 2. since then, i've been raging against my goal, eating like a goddamn fool. yesterday was simply horrible, although friday was pretty fucking bad, too. i plan to delve into this, i do, and i have NOT given up, i just need to get back on track. *sigh* god grant me strength.

ok, major system breakdown, i went buck wild this week. it started....i do'nt even know...thursday night i had whoppers at work, lots of them... i ate a bunch of chocolates at the hand center on friday, that's what really kicked it off. did ok at nick's party, and the day after...then yesterdary, kablooie. 3 king size snickers, baby! vanilla wafers, a bunch of other stuff too, it was awful. i do'nt feel bad physically, which worries me because it means i'm not as sensitive to the changes as i was, when bread or sugar gave me a headache. i did get gassy, though. and i'm eating cookies at work. and, i got my period today. so thursday night was 4 1/2 days before my period; i wasn't aware that it was coming until saturday night, when nick slammed into my chest and it HURT. so i'm willing to chalk this up to menstrual stuff, as long as i can kick it again.

bad day yesterday. well it started the night before, eating whoppers at work. i did good with chinese though, i got the spare ribs without the rice. but yesterday, i ignored the chocolates in the kitchen at first, but then they had sweet maria's cake for donna rice & i didn't say no. after that, it was open season on the candy. last night at nick's party i did ok, one piece of bread and some corn chips, then a little bit of cake at the end. all i drank was diet pepsi & vodka, so that was fine. (mostly) i'll probably have a bagel for brunch with sergio. i guess i didn't get that much sleep, but i feel very well rested. i'm going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight.

i invited steve to the party and he came! we hung out a little, i remember hugging him when he left, but i can't remember if i just did it or if it was mutual, i think i remember his arm around my should right then but i was pretty drunk so who knows. i told jason i liked him, too.