if you are what you eat then i'm doomed

wow, 235, those were the days. and they will come again!!! having quickly re-read the last posting from may i realize that was a good idea, so i'll try it again: started the day at 8:00 with a 12 oz mtn dew & an atkins bar; 4 pieces of california roll for lunch around 11:30, and an egg; an apple was in there sometime, i think after the sushi; another egg around 4:30, and another apple around 7:30/8-ish. now i'm off to snack on approved junk food. i defrosted some ground beef, which i will hopefully cook tomorrow. i've got hummus & melbas, a couple cans of tuna, more eggs, and some frozen chicken still left at home, so there's no reason to fret about food for the week, i just need to make it.

it's 10:00 and i've been sitting in this office doing nothing since 4:30. what is wrong with me?! i say that without too much panic or stress, though. it's not that i feel i should be doing other important things (although i should), it's that i could be home watching movies and eating healthy junk food. and yet, here i sit, in a pissy mood, ready to argue with everyone who talks to me. and i had a good day, too. i'm *having* a good day. i don't know why looking at online catalogs got me so heated up, especially since i'm doing pretty good with my new year's resolutions to eat well. maybe it's because i'm hungry. actually that's the best reason i can think of. ok, i'm going to stand up, gather my things, walk down the stairs, go to lowe's, buy some low-carb junk food, go home, eat, and watch movies. i don't have class until 5:00 tomorrow, so it's like a free day. ha ha, yeah right, i've already got tons of work. but it's not overpowering me yet, so i'm going to just enjoy what i've got. another resolution is to be still more, reflect, "be", and that's going well too. i've had several psuedo-psychic moments in the past few days, it's cool to be at that place again. as bitchy as i feel, life is pretty good. actually, pms may be a part of this. i'm definitely due sooner or later, so that's probably what this is. LIFE IS GOOD.

for christ's sake, peter has a KID. so yes, he's married to rachel. who'd have thought he'd actually follow through on something? i'm kind of stunned, i really am. have i really thought we'd get together in the end? i don't know...i guess so, and i guess i still do. what an idiot.

and of course here i sit with the same miserable feelings about my weight and my body as always. i just got back from a 4 day field trip, which is the typical catalyst for this stuff. i'm also pulling some of my slacker stuff, too. not to the point that i'm fucked but i really need to crack down. deja vu, huh. my apartment is a war zone (shit, i forgot about the rent today) but i do still have one or two pairs of clean underwear left.

i'm sick, and i was attacked by a swarm of bees 4 days ago. it was totally worth it for the story i get to tell now - eric yelling at me to run, me yelling that i can't see, then running blindly through the woods without falling down; eric & drew beating me with their field notebooks while i spazz out because there's bees in my hair; eric apoligizing for hitting me in the head, me screaming for him to just DO IT; then everyone else getting stung when they went hunting for my glasses, which were recovered unscathed. classic.

it's late & i'm tired but i want to work some more on my 101 lab, the one thing i AM totally on top of. i love it, i really do, and i think i'm just going to get more & more into it as i get more practice. if anything will motivate me to get my phd it will be this.

i hate that i can't think about peter without pain. i guess it's because he's the closest i ever came to having what i really want. but i have to trust that it's all rolling along as planned. i want to really dedicate myself to school, immerse myself in my work, and let life happen. that's the plan, stan. rock on.

i bought pot with the intention of studying all day today, and instead i watched tv. i spent the last 3 hours studying, and i did ok on my environmental chem final, but i could have done a LOT better with just a little studying. what the FUCK. and maybe i knew i was going to do it anyway, but that's bullshit, i really COULD have. ach. eating's vaklempt, though not ridiculous.

had problems logging in yesterday, so i'll try to remember the last few days...THURSDAY: oj for b'fast, then a turkey sandwich for elevenses, bologna later on, then steak salad for dinner, and 2 diet cokes with vanilla vodka; that was a BAD ride home. FRIDAY: oj for breakfast, fried shrimp, curly fries & coleslaw for lunch, a jello, an egg, then some indian casserole concoction with nuts, carrots, cheddar cheese, and some other stuff, and a barley-vegetable soup; some gummy snacks at bobbie jo's, and part of a sugar cookie (threw the rest of it out!) i didn't do TOO bad at anthony's party yesterday: a cheeseburger & hot dog w/ no buns, potato salad, cucumber salad, some baked beans, and a little bit of macaroni salad; white wine & jello shots, some more gummy snacks (no cake or ice cream!), and later on a raw hot dog, (breaded) popcorn chicken, & more potato salad. cake at grandma's today, but i'll try to take it easy. 235 when i checked yesterday morning. oh, yesterday ended & today began with a hefty poop. also, i was alseep by about 11:00 last night, up by 8:15 this morning. a few days during the week were bad, only 4 hours or so, but these last nights i've gotten 6 or more.

well, today's number is 236. i don't know if maybe i read the scale wrong last week, or if it all really was water weight from my period, because there's no way i lost it all in the last 2 days. i guess the lesson learned here is to not weigh myself during my period.

so i gained back the whole 7, and i think a couple more, too, did i mention that? trying not to dwell, focus on the future. got back on the wagon, though there was some banana bread on sunday. let's see, monday i had oj in the a.m., part of a salad from wesleyan, and 3 mozz sticks. chicken & spinach for dinner, plus about 4 pieces of cali roll, and some jello later on.

today, oj in the a.m., 2 salami sandwiches w/cheddar on whole grain, 2 string cheeses, 4 pieces of a california roll, and some salami later on. i'm going to have jello now. i'll weigh myself in the morning, and we'll see.

didn't get much sleep last night, about 4 hours, worthless studying for my calc test, but i'm doing ok - i actually woke up at 6:30 without the alarm. planning to get up around 7:30 - 8, work 9-11, school by 12, then 3 hours to work on e-chem homework.

"never been kissed" is the ultimate girl angst movie. she's the interesting, smart, funny, cool, fun girl that didn't fit in and wasn't accepted. at 25 she has had the opportunity to become who she truly is. she goes back to high school to be herself, the way she couldn't when she was there.

this other crap: i need to make this my summer priority, after i do my independent study. the movie needs to be second to it. i have to be focused and committed to doing this. i have to decide that i want it for real - just like getting into grad school - and do what it takes to get there, without thinking about it. keep the end in sight, and just push toward it, don't hold back, don't hesitate, just GO. there's so much bullshit everywhere, i have to cut it all out and just be about me.

i've been avoiding this, i know. things really went down the shitter, i gained everything back, plus an extra pound or 2. since then, i've been raging against my goal, eating like a goddamn fool. yesterday was simply horrible, although friday was pretty fucking bad, too. i plan to delve into this, i do, and i have NOT given up, i just need to get back on track. *sigh* god grant me strength.

ok, major system breakdown, i went buck wild this week. it started....i do'nt even know...thursday night i had whoppers at work, lots of them... i ate a bunch of chocolates at the hand center on friday, that's what really kicked it off. did ok at nick's party, and the day after...then yesterdary, kablooie. 3 king size snickers, baby! vanilla wafers, a bunch of other stuff too, it was awful. i do'nt feel bad physically, which worries me because it means i'm not as sensitive to the changes as i was, when bread or sugar gave me a headache. i did get gassy, though. and i'm eating cookies at work. and, i got my period today. so thursday night was 4 1/2 days before my period; i wasn't aware that it was coming until saturday night, when nick slammed into my chest and it HURT. so i'm willing to chalk this up to menstrual stuff, as long as i can kick it again.