if you are what you eat then i'm doomed

"it's not that i'm not embarrassed, it's just that i just don't care."

stp at 9:43, blew off my morning, i'll go in at 2 to do research. otherwise i'll just sit here and do nothing all day. i'll watch kill bill, get dressed and go. plus melanie will kill me if i miss her new hairdo debut. so i'm under the deck smoking, feeling the breeze, listening to birds and cars, seeing sunlight on everything, thinking about science and how things work and why they work the way they do, and i realize (well not really, i've known this for a long time) that this is all that life is about. it's for enjoying the sun and the breeze and feeling good and eating. we're animals, that's what animals do. they lounge in the sun and hope someone pets their bellies. cats are willing to be "domesticated" because they have someone to feed and love them all the time. and when they don't feel like it, they just flip their tail up to say "fuck you" and go off by themselves. i want a cat!!! i want a cat like jasper. i would name a jasper cat 'opal'.

i got a stomachache 5 minutes after eating a potato roll at arb's, then felt sick as a dog after eating powdered donuts. not right away, though, that took longer. i was in bed, SO exhausted, i'd already shit for 20 minutes, and my stomach felt so nauseous. i thought i might have to puke but i was too tired to get up. i was in & out all night, then i fell asleep, i woke up and shit again at 8:30, and now i feel ok. i'm not nauseous, but i can tell that i was. fuck man, it's not worth it. i remember doing this when i stopped, i'd gorge and then have stomach cramps and not care, i'd do it again. how weird is that? why do that to myself? i could have made all of my progress already, it would be a year later, i would have been 100 pounds lighter if i'd stayed with it. IT REALLY WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. i can do this. just stay focused on what i want. not how to get it, just on what it is.

...smoking helps us feel good all the time, which *isn't* what real life is all about. but i figure, there are so many times when i feel bad, i should capitalize on the time i have to feel good. but when i'm in love, i have that feeling, and don't need drugs to make it happen. so pot is my love drug.

still doing good, although i had munchkins on sunday at the production meeting. i put equal in my coffee though!! i definitely need to get more sleep. last night helped, i was in bed by 12, up at 8:30, and i really got up when i meant to! i've been doing ok with veggies, always could do better. but i made lunch all week when mommy was away, i don't think i ate out once. and the party was good too, i had subway for lunch, then meatballs & salad for dinner, no pasta, no bread. this morning there were dunkin donuts in the kitchen at work, and i groaned but it wasn't even a real temptation. of course it helps not to think about them, but the thought didn't linger, it hasn't been a huge deal. looking good, billy ray! OH, 234 today, down 7 from when i started a few weeks ago. it's been about 2 pounds a week, like i was hoping for. i think if i can stay on task and not freak out about anything, i can sustain my patience for the year that it will take. after 15 years of being miserable about this, one year really isn't a long time to wait. it's almost weird how positive i feel about the timeframe, but again, i don't want to push it by thinking about it too much.

ok, i was right the first time, it's been 4 pounds in *2* weeks, last wednesday was 239. but that's my goal - 2 pounds a week for a year, that's 104 pounds. i did good today, but in sort of a bad way. OJ for breakfast, half a peanut butter atkins bar (i'm pretty much off that kind now, blech), then a turkey & cheese sandwich with mayo around 11:30. i don't think i had anything until i met up with melanie at 5, then i had a cheese sandwich, no mayo, and a string cheese, with water. no soda today! then a coconut atkins bar later on. oh, plus an orange - at least i got one fresh food in! i did REALLY bad with schoolwork today, though - totally blew off my independent study, didn't do any calc homework, didn't start my chem lab, and this was the PERFECT day to do it, especially once i ditched my research. and now i've got to go to wesleyan on monday. at least the environmental homework isn't due till wednesday, so there's a small reprieve. i'm not in real trouble in spanish, but i've probably got too many absences and it might affect my grade. BUT, i did see a little bit of the open mic the crescent players put on, and i got to see almost everyone - carl, mike, shawn, erica, dan, caroline, & steve - it was so nice, and shawn & erica sang "origin of love", which TOTALLY made my night. oh god, and then there was all that messaging with laura, so that's a HUGE mess. i'm pissed though, i don't care. sleep has been going shitty, too. i've got to get up @ 7 for alanna, but then i do'nt have to be in work till 10, so maybe i'll nap...but then, i missed my hours on wednesday, so i should probably make them up....nah. how sad is it that i'm dreading going out tomorrow night? i've got 2 sets of plans, and i really don't want to do anything, i'd rather stay home & get work done, since saturday & sunday are packed. it's like, i'm looking forward to saturday SO MUCH, everything else is boring because it's not THAT. i've gotta see how my money situation is right now, i really have no clue, i hate that. plus i need gas for both cars, and kenny on tuesday. maybe mommy'll float that one, i don't know. you know, i don't really miss them. the last time they went away, i think to the cape last summer, i was getting antsy for them to be back. maybe it's because i'm so wrapped up in the film, but i don't feel that way now. which honestly is a relief, because i don't want to be homesick when i get to north carolina.

well, it *was* 241 last week - and the week before that - so i've lost 4 pounds in a week. i thought i had my period, but that was 2 weeks ago when i wrote it down. i don't think it changed by the week after, so i think (not sure, though) that all 4 came from this last week. i hope so! woo hoo!

ok, yesterday was just a slackass day EXCEPT regarding food, for a change. i skipped both classes & didn't go to work, STP'd and watched tequila sunrise - found the underlying theme & all sorts of parallels & stuff, and a comparison to l.a. confidential - then did movie stuff. so let's see...OJ in the a.m., made some ground beef/tomato/seasonings stuff, ate it with corn chips, salsa & sour cream, then had more chips w/salsa & s. cream later. a couple of jellos, some diet pepsi...i think that's it, i didn't snack at night when i got home. and i went to bed soon after i lay down, BUT i took too much time on the computer and i didn't get enough sleep. i'm REALLY feeling it, plus i didn't do homework for calc so i failed this morning's quiz. i HAVE to get motivated for these last few weeks of school. and hopefully i won't be a slackass about this thing, either. i really think, though, that considering i'm almost *always* near a computer, i'll at least leave quick blurbs about food & sleep.

[237] well this past week has gone pretty well! i think last wednesday i was at 140 or 141, i have to check the book. i've been consistent about not eating junk, and it hasn't been that hard, and this is a week without mommy around to help. even stoned, i've held strong. woo hoo! here's to another great week.

i MOSTLY did everything i said i was going to do last night, except eat a real dinner, i had sausage & hot dogs. =P BUT, i took a shower, i did a load of laundry, made my lunch, & finished my chem homework. stayed up till 3 watching tv......but hey, i got up & got to school on time, AND dropped off my HW before calc. i need more sleep, though - another late night tonight, going to see kill bill, hopefully i can get in the 1st one before & after therapy. i was on the phone so long w/ megan & neil, and then got caught up in some movie stuff, so i didn't even start HW till 10:30, and of course it took longer than i thought it would. i definitely fucked around too much, watched tv when i got in, kept it on while i was doing HW which made it harder to do, and i shouldn't have done movie stuff first, i should have launched right into HW after my shower. that's ok, though, next time. =)

didn't get much sleep, fell off around 2:30 or so, up by 6:45. got to school on time though, and packed some stuff for lunch. i couldn't eat it, though! it was plain grilled chicken, with nothing on it, and i just couldn't eat it. i had OJ for breakfast, 2 atkins bars over the course of the day, 2-20 oz diet cokes, a string cheese, and a salad. i'll have sausage today & tomorrow, and maybe make chicken salad. my goal for tonight is, in this order: 1)take a shower; 2)throw in a load of clothes; 3)finish my environmental chem homework; then, depending on how i feel & what time it is, i MIGHT do some calc homework, or i might just watch kill bill. i need to make dinner too, a *real* dinner. i'm trying, i really am! oo, need to drink some water, i haven't had any today.

let's see...i had graham crackers last night, but they were whole wheat...still, they probably had sugar or honey in them...today i had a big thing of non-fat, sugar-free frozen yogurt, but i don't trust it, i'm sure it was bad. i also had a creamsaver. BUT, i had 2 hamburgers and some hot dogs, & a salad (i have to remember NOT to eat ketchup, there's sugar), with NO BREAD even though it was right in front of me. i will say, that fresh soft hot dog roll really tempted me for about 2 seconds. BUT I WAS VICTORIOUS! going pretty good, i think.

not bad, but i did eat some bread & sugar. the aforementioned donut, and then i had a cheeseburger. big roll, but a real bakery roll, not a wonderbread roll. didn't make me feel bad at all, i think the exercise this morning & last night helped. good otherwise, i got a salad & diet soda with it. got a lot done today for the movie, feel good about things. busy for the rest of the semester, probably just as busy when summer starts with the independent study stuff. going out with daddy tomorrow, meeting at his house at noon, setting the alarm for 9. i'm going to smoke and then watch kill bill now, probably start that around 11:30, so i'll probably end up with about 6-7 hours of sleep tonight.

i rewrote the synopsis to the movie and i'm quite pleased with it. i'm really getting into this. ok, i DID have a donut and there's no good excuse for it, i wasn't starving and i was just too lazy to walk or drive to the store. BUT, that's it. except for the crust on the sugar-free pudding pie jan & stanton made. other than that, though, it's been good. AND i went walking this morning. i used mommy's mix cd i made, it was cool. i went to bed around 2:30, woke up at 9 - on the first try!- put on clothes, and went walking. well i had a big glass of OJ first while i checked email, which was perfect. walked for slightly over 30 minutes, took a shower, ate a nori roll, and left for ed's. i had beer last night but i think that's ok, it didn't bother me the last time. i definitely have a ton of energy today, but part of that is because i'm so excited about the project.

listening to phish while i do all this, it's very chill.

having a good day. woke up a little late, got into work for 9:30 instead of 9, but still better than 10. i forgot to mention that yesterday my food was pretty good, except for the truffles - 2 bologna sandwiches, a salad, a banana, 1 diet coke, some soy crisps, and a cheddar cheese stick. oh, and celery w/dip. quick grab this morning, but not too bad - 2 egg salad sandwiches, but i've only had one, i'll probably have the 2nd for dinner; celery & dip, 1 diet pepsi, and a v8. i've got string cheese & 2 jello's for backup. plus one slice of pizza gain that bobbie jo made. i wanted it because i love it, but now i'm just slightly uncomfortably full. not bad, not stuffed, but it was definitely one step too far.

i'm trying to remember to drink water. not up to 8 glasses yet, but at least it's some. always easy to do at work, i go through about 3 big cups per day, which is at least 6.

the chocolates are still in the kitchen, but i felt nothing when i saw them. i think last night's discouragement put me off sweets for the time being. yay! i forgot the feeling of being "good" for a consistent period of time and not being majorly tempted by junk. the longer i stick to it, the easier it is to say no.

dancing tonight, so a little bit of aerobics. i want to go for a walk tomorrow before the meeting at ed's, use the cd i burned last week. 20 minutes, the uphill loop up the street. that's something i want to maintain all summer.

how is it possible to eat against your will? i've been doing SO GOOD, 3 days without any junk and no real temptation, either. i mean, the temptation's been there but i haven't been really tempted to indulge. (except, of course, for the chocolate caramel) and today, after being so sure i wouldn't have enough food & would have to order chinese from work, everything was spaced out ok with the addition of a banana and diet coke. but then maureen came in to give me my gift from last semester, and there were truffles. now, i don't even LIKE truffles that much, but of course, it's sweet, there's chocolate, i'm there. and i didn't WANT to break my streak, but i felt that to give them away would be rejecting the gift. and, of course, i definitely wanted the sweet. not in the crazy, orgy-like way that it often is, though. it was just *there*, like, "there is candy in front of me, therefore i must eat it." it's this kind of stuff that seems the most sick to me, not even truly wanting it but eating it anyway. now, to my credit, i did not eat all of them, i gave some away, shared some, and left a couple only half eaten once i tried them. out of 8, i'd say i had 4. i also gave away the 2 gingerbread man cookies she gave me. almost right away, though, i could feel the ickiness set in. i didn't get a headache, but it felt like one was maybe threatening. i didn't get a stomachache, but there was a pervading sense of "blech".

the worst part is i feel like i've been set back the whole 3 days i was ahead. maybe that's not true, but i'm afraid that it is. i don't like feeling guilt & fear & shame. maybe i'm not conscious of it most of the time, but there definitely is a lot of shame going on. i can still feel them in my stomach...and still, the first thing i did when i walked in the door was open the fridge. knowing that i wasn't hungry, knowing that i shouldn't, knowing that i didn't want to, i did it anyway. i didn't eat anything, but i opened that door.

the thing is, maureen gave me a book too. now, if i'd thrown everything away she never would have known, but that felt like i would be rejecting her gift. i should have just gotten over it, i know, i can hear daddy in my head, but i couldn't...and there was enough of me that really wanted the junk. the gift thing is true, but she gave me a book too, so why couldn't that be the part i accepted? i don't know......but i'm glad that it felt this bad, i'm glad that the prevailing feeling is disappointment and not anything worse, and i hope to find the strength to follow through and keep my goal in sight.

added Sat, 4/17:
"working through failure to reach success."

as for sleep, i'm feeling ok for the few hours i got. oh, i missed that calc quiz, i got to school 1/2 an hour late & didn't feel like walking in. it's ok, only the 3rd this semester, and he'll let me make up the quiz on monday. at least this way i can be better prepared. not a good excuse, but at least there's a way around & i could see that from the beginning, it's not just luck. so it's 1:00 now and i've got to be up around 7:30, but i'll probably watch some tv....but you know, i AM tired, and i'll be glued to that thing for so long if i play into it. what works best is a burst of steady resolve, just biting the bullet and charging right past with pausing. that's the plan then, run upstairs and read for a while, no tv at all. tomorrow's post will tell......

see, THAT'S the bad thing - with the phone, there was an underlying sense of urgency because if i didn't get up after the 3rd ring, i was screwed. having a snooze button removes the fear - although i think i still would have gotten up late, no matter what. so i'm half an hour late for class & decided not to go, i can make up the quiz monday morning and be better prepared. it works out, but it's still sucky because if i'd studied instead of screwing around last night & went to bed right after, everything would be fine. note to self: DO THAT NEXT TIME. so i'm beat now, and hungry, let's check out the bag...2 sandwiches, soy crisps, salad w/dressing, an orange, a water, and a diet pepsi. supplementation may have to occur.

this is the next great mystery. or not so great, i'm sure. when i think about it, the sleeping business is stranger than the eating stuff. this truly has always been like this, even as a wee lass when i would stay up with a flashlight under my covers, reading. why do i do it? especially when i have stuff to do early in the morning, especially when i have to practically force myself to stay awake. but it's 1:30, i spent the last 2 1/2 hours watching crap on tv, and i got no studying done for my calc quiz. i'm not super worried about the quiz, but i needed to get that work done. it's getting to crunch time, i've been doing pretty good but i need to do well on ALL my finals, and that means a lot of restructuring as far as time & organization. and focus. FOCUS. that is the word of the year.

of course, now there's the fact that i'm obsessed with this thing and spent half the night tweaking the goddamn color scheme of what's just some generic template that i'll probably want to ditch anyway. but no, the point is to have the forum to do this thing. it's not about showing people, it's not about anything but my own shit. so it is what it is, and that's that.

so now i'll go upstairs, poop, shower, and go to bed. i've got a CLOCK WITH A SNOOZE BUTTON now, which i've been needing, so that could sort of be like an accomplishment. (*snort*) 4 1/2 hours of sleep. not great, but definitely not the worst.

it was at work, the doctor's office, that den of temptation - a whole box of russell stovers! i stood in the kitchen, alone, staring at the box...then at the chocolates, at the tell-tale squares...i debated, i struggled, i knew what i had to do...but it would taste soooo gooood, and that texture, i could practically feel it...i wanted all of them, there was no question. it was almost sexual, the desire i felt for it. is that seratonin? is that my sick psychological state? do i equate food with sex because i don't get any of the latter? that almost works, but i don't think these feelings were any different when i was getting it on a regular basis. i blame this on my father's genes, they're all a bunch of sex addicts. well, food & drug addicts too, for that matter. oh my god, i am doomed.

so i ate the caramel. i knew i shouldn't, but i did. and it would have been SO easy to eat more, 2 or 3, i mean i already ate one when i shouldn't have, i'd already fucked up, i might as well let myself enjoy it...this is how the thought process usually works, but today, TODAY I DID NOT SUCCUMB!! i was triumphant over the truffles. yes, i indulged in the one, but ONLY the one. and hey, that's pretty friggin' good for me.

now why did i eat it at all? let's see...i wanted it, it would taste good, and i guess there is a rush. i never thought about it that way, i never recognized it as a "rush" like pot, but i suppose it is. SO short, though! almost enough to make it not worth it...unless i do it over & over & over.......hmmmmm.......maybe i'm on to something...

i suck at keeping food journals and i promised my shrink i would try to do this consistently, so i figure this way i can get in prime goof-off time on the computer and accomplish a goal at the same time.

eating habits & sleep patterns - oh how you plague me. i've managed to accomplish real change in other areas in the last 8 months & it's paid off spectacularly, so while behavior changes have never been my strong suit, at least i've got proof that it can be done. so, if it's time to take big girl steps into the world, it's time to get a handle on this shit.